Standing In The Crossroads

Always heard that one day all will face the crossroads of life. Think I have reached that point late in life and I have no clue which road to take! I hate the way my life goes. I hate this house, I hate the high house payment as we are living almost above our means because of it. I hate there's nothing around here to go to or to do. I hate my health, but I'm trying to fix it but feel I'm fighting a losing battle. I hate I never get to see my friends and I'm missing my friends. I HATE I'm missing their kids grow up. But I get to see them grow up in pictures. I have so hard tried to like this area I live in, but after 5 years I just don't so I don't figure I ever will if I don't by now. I hate so much, that I'm scared. Mostly scared of me!

And oh God, I don't even want to start about her family. I hate these racist and drama people so fucking bad. And pisses me off to no end that they will joke and laugh at her behind her back. I tell her and she won't believe me, but believes they won't do that to her. How am I suppose to feel that she don't trust me but does them?!?!?! That's enough about her family because they aren't worth talking about.

But I want out of here! I don't want any part of here anymore. I feel like if I ever get get out and go back home, then it will be to late. I'm 51 and running out of time. And sorry to say, at this point, I almost don't care if I go back home alone. I think she believes I would never leave. She should know better because I left one marriage of 22 years. I'd miss the hell out of her, but many things have happened, and she did one thing that I have forgiven her for, but can never forget and I'm having trouble getting over it and I love her but that love has weakened a lot. (no, she hasn't cheated on me if your wondering)

I noticed on the drive back to Georgia after the trip back home a few weeks ago, that I haven't had so much fun in years as I did while there. I laughed so hard at times and I'm talking about a good down to earth belly laugh and it felt so good. Didn't even think about problems I have while there either. Seems like a totally relief came over me the longer I was there.

Speaking of crossroads, umm, sometimes I wish I could be at the old crossroads. I honestly believe I'd sale my soul to the devil just to be happy again and to know which road to take.
But ya know, I think I know what I want, but I can't have it the way I want. I want to go home and have her with me, but that's totally up to her. I don't see that's ever going to happen. But when do I go, how do I go??? Getting another car first is the gold that has to be reach in order to do anything.

Oh well, today will end and tomorrow will come just like the next day and the next and the next...